Before anyone gets too bored this blog isn't going to be all doom and gloom! I felt the need to keep an online diary/blog to vent my feelings. Perhaps as a selfish self therapy but also to let others who are like or who just feel like me know we are not alone.
I was an extremely happy child, I laughed, I was mischievous, I was energetic. But somewhere along the line very recently I have become severely depressed, becoming tearful for no reason. And I thought I'd never say it but wishing to just end it all with suicide, something I never thought would have applied to me or have ever entered my mind. I cannot say what has caused these feelings, I can only imagine it's an imbalance in brain chemistry or recent changes in life.
One thing that I do know and this isn't the only cause of my depression is the fact that I am gay. I'm from a family with an extremely homophobic Father and as much as I try I can't accept it myself. I hate the word straight acting and I'll explain why. The media, movies, sitcoms etc all portray gay people to be particarly camp, flamboyant, speaking with a lisp, the list goes on. I don't find anything wrong or dislike anything about people with these attributes. I myself feel alone, though I know I'm really not because I don't fit this stereotype. My voice is deep, I love sport, I'm anything but flamboyant or camp (not that there's anything wrong with that) and I have absolutely no fashion sense what so ever.
The truth is I think my depression stems from the fact that I can't accept my sexuality, people assume I'm straight and I do not think I should have to change my natural mannerisms to attain love. Should I have to conform to let people know I'm gay? Should I be camp? This would be just changing my natural mannerisms and personality. Again I am not against feminine gay people at all. It's just I feel my sexuality is not so obvious to people and so I feel I'm destined to being lonely, perhaps through my own cowardess. I think I need someone to Love, hug, be with etc. But I feel disgusted with myself, I just feel messed up.
